| sad |
[14 Sep 2005|09:03pm] |
My grandma died September 12th. We used to be really close. I could call her at 3 am to go to eat n park with me if I was hungry or bored. One time we went and drove home in a terrible snowstorm and were both happy to get home alive. Then, on January 11, 2004, my grandma had a terrible stroke. I was out with friends and my mom called me and I ended up showing up at the hospital drunk. I felt awful about it. She was in a coma for a week or so. I visited every day. She wasn't the same grandma though. The stroke took away a lot of her cognitive abilities and she often didn't recognize me. When she was finally able to leave the hospital she came to live at my mother and stepfather's house. Then she went back to hospital. Then to my aunt's. Then to hospital. Then to my uncles. The whole time it was really sad and almost tore my family apart because of arguments about who is and isn't helping to take enough care of her. The poor woman couldn't move on her own, couldn't feed herself and couldn't even take care of her bathroom needs. It was no way to live and I know that had we known her life would have been like this we would never have opted for the surgery that she had a 50/50 chance of "recovering" from. But there was no way to know. My grandma was a hugely independent person and became severely depressed. Along with that, her cancer, that she had overcome barely a year before the stroke, came back from remission. She was only 68.
I loved my grandmother very much. I know that whatever life holds for us after we pass out of this life, at least she will be at peace and out of pain. She was at home with her family when she died and throughout the last months of her life. My mother was holding her hand at the end and she seemingly awoke from a 2 and a half day coma to open her eyes one last time. Her last sight (if she could indeed see) was that of her family and children gathered around her.
I felt like I lost her already, but now we have physically lost her as well. Most of my grieving has already been dealt with... but now, there is more. I am actually doing ok. We all had a loooooong time to see it coming and say how we felt and to let her know she was very loved, and that we would be ok about her leaving.
I am not religious, but if anyone is and would care to say a prayer or whatever for my grandma, well, she was religious. I feel false doing it though.
Love,
Linlee
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| Oh please... |
[10 Sep 2005|03:54am] |
Please forgive my pathetic self. I am just at a loss. I know how lame this is but someone please just make me see straight.
Someone line me up with reality?
Please?
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| Hiiii |
[10 Sep 2005|03:34am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blank |
] |
Wow... I am a total slacker. I know I seem to write in here only when really pissed or really happy but my diary is the same way. Only three people I know of even read this or really, are even slightly connected to this, and anyway and I am comfortable with you knowing me.
I am feeling fairly lonely even though I have been dating someone for 4 months... even when we're together. And I don't know if it is a habit leading us this way or just incompatibility... how can you tell? I would feel better if he would just tell me how he feels but he doesn't. I think we're both going through stressful times and both changing at this point in our lives... but how do you know when to say WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??? It's good enough that I am afraid to. But I'm also afraid to not ask. How do you know?
It hard for me... I feel like it is a good thing in my life, but at the same time it's not enough. Sometimes I feel like he feels the same way. And sometimes I think we are both just too afraid to say that we care so much about each other. It might just be me... and that book "He's Just Not That Into You" echoes in my brain every day.
I know there is a lot of potential in me to be an amazing woman. But I also know that I am not doing anything about it... What the hell does waitressing do??? It earns me money... It pays my bills... and then there is still EXPRESS... I can't believe I am still working there. But I am supposedly training for management... I guess... whatever... good experience... but I am doing it for the creative part and the raise... I know I will be the person in charge of the way that the store looks. That's what I want. That's what I want to go to school for and that's what I like doing...
FUCKING A I am too old to let my first relationship and my 18 and 19 and 20 year old stupid girl insecurities continue to prick me and make me bleed but I do. Every fucking day of my life. And my grandma is dying dying dying... Everything is just bad bad bad.
I am 20-fucking-4. My grandma will be soil before I'm 25. My mother is nothing like the strong woman she was 10 years ago. I am so afraid to fall into their traps but I have no other life outline to follow.
I don't want to settle. It is my biggest fear. I just need someone to help me and care and really show me a better way.
Please. I am begging.
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| Anything new? |
[31 May 2005|03:31am] |
I guess so. Work's the same but new people in life are making things nice. After the shittiest month on record... goodness is a positive change. And I'm listening to Bjork right now so how can I be pissed?
ummmmmmmmmmm
Hope everyone's well. I have to work at nine but I am now stuck in online dork rut.
Weirdo online dork mode.
La la la.
Bye for now.
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| yeah |
[01 Apr 2005|03:29am] |
| [ |
mood |
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je ne sais quoi |
] |
| [ |
music |
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blue eyes |
] |
I think a mix CD of the Cary Brothers and Veruca Salt would cure everyone. Of everything.
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| 70? |
[28 Mar 2005|12:49am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 frustrated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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silence (besides the bling of IM's) |
] |
My life has been so filled with randomness lately I can't get over it. From psycho car alarms to random hotel parties to ex-boyfriends confessing that they're still madly in love with me to easter breakfast at 7:30 AM at McDonalds.
So random. I feel like the universe is just tossing out these random events, kind of like a Rorschach (sp?) um inkblot test... just to see how I handle it. Nothing that's happened really seems to serve any purpose but in the future it might start making sense.
Me and Bethany hung out today at my house (rare) but she enjoyed some Easter w. my family. We were both lazy and frumpy and it ruled. The best part was when I was called into the living room to see something and all of a sudden the beach boys started blasting and my 7 year old sister runs out in a bikini(stuffed on top) and a hula skirt and started shaking her rump. She is the weirdest little girl in the whole wide world and the impromptu show (which she devised w/help of 11 yr old sister) is just like an everyday thing for us. She's really quick witted and sarcastic and hilarious. Some weird looking dude was on tv (we were watching Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom) and I told her that he was her real dad. She knew I was kidding (I wouldn't tell her that if she would take me seriously) but it devolved into her pointing at weird people and things and let me just break down the progression.
My real father is apparently Ving Rhames as Kojak.
My real boyfriend is a nerdy tech support guy.
My real aunt is some lady who was making really weird faces.
My real grandma is fire.
Her real mom is some lady's fingernails.
Her real mom is a lighter.
And I am really a Ritz cracker box with a butt that poops. (She drew her own picture for that one.)
How can you not enjoy spending time with a kid like that? Her randomness amuses me to NO end. Kelsey is awesome too. And the whole time Bethany was just sitting on the couch like studying notes. I'm glad that I have a friend who is so comfortable with my family that they can study while we're carrying on like that and it's no big thing.
Honestly. My family is so crazy (in a good way tho) that I think a lot of people might not know how to react. It's easy for me though.
Hope everyone had a nice easter. Momma made some cheezy potatoes and I'm about to go in for my third helping today. Wish I had sour cream.
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| Taxalicious |
[22 Feb 2005|10:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 morose |
] |
| [ |
music |
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commercials |
] |
I forgot to say - Being stuck home and stinky has one distinct advantage. I got my (federal) taxes done. Hooray!
Vacation here I come! Where can I get by for a week on 580 dollars?
I hope I'm deskunked by then.
Linlee
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| Skunkified |
[22 Feb 2005|09:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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gloomy |
] |
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music |
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Whatever is on in the background when "Flower" is on Bambi |
] |
Damn.
I have scrubbed down like three times and still... I had to go to the store since I am less stinky than my mom. Everyone around me was sniffing their noses so I was like, "Damn, did someone just run over a skunk out there?"
Then I took my change and left.
I hope they didn't know it was me.
:-(
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| Ugh |
[22 Feb 2005|02:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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smelly |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Get Right |
] |
I have been awakened by loud noises (sisters) before. (hearing)
I have been awakened by bright lights (sun, lamps, etc.) before. (vision)
I have been awakened by movement (someone shaking/poking me) before. (touch)
I have even been awakened by hot sauce (smith) being poured in my mouth. (taste)
But.
Never ever in my 23 years on this planet have I EVER been awakened by a smell. Until today.
I was sleeping happily in my bed with about 4 hours until I had to be at work when an odor so foul, so strong and so pungent wafted into my nostrils. I immediately woke and questioned my mother - "What the hell is that?!?!?!?"
Well, lucky us (my family), and lucky Sandy (one of my dogs). I don't know what Sandy did to provoke the skunk, but provoke he did, and then came charging in the back patio door covered in oily smelly skunk spray. This delectable odor then made it's way down the stairs, into my bedroom, and as a final and happy resting place, I am sure for the smell itself anyway, into my nostrils, which immediately woke me. To retching.
The scent then traveled our house somehow and paid a visit to every room. Though I didn't even touch my stinky odorous puppy, nor did he enter my room, he did spread it throughout the back of our house before we could get him into the tub.
The stink has permeated me. I called work to tell them what happened. They said - and I shit you not - "Come in anyway. If you smell you won't have to work." They said this because I couldn't tell if I smelled after smelling my dog.
Guess what!!!!
I SMELLED LIKE A SKUNK. And then got sent home from work. I got back home approximately 20 minutes after my little sister who got sent home from 2nd grade.
And, since all of my family is now apparently smelling like skunk, we are too embarassed to go to the store and buy tomato juice but our veterinarian said the sauce would also work.
We are now the proud owners of an onion and italian spice flavored, 12 year old, skunky smelling, mixed male husky/lab of 120 pounds named Sandy.
We are happy to give him to a loving and caring home.
We have a sick family inside joke about Sandy, which is that for as much money as we've spent on him since puppage, we should be able to put a seat on him and drive him. He has had knee surgery, 5 or 6 tumor removal surgeries, a week long stay at the veterinary hospital (where he made a miraculous recovery on the morning of his scheduled execution, due to being extremely ill. we didn't want to do it...), eats special food due to diabetes (from his obesity, which happened due to knee problems), liver and kidney problems and now, finally, we're spending our grocery budget on tomato juice and cleaning supplies so we don't live in a stink factory. He cost me probably 100 dollars from work today.
How come I still love the butthead? If he didn't reek so bad, I'd go smooch him right now.
Why do I smell though? I don't understand how this scent attached itself to me.
Feel bad for me. I can't even go out in public right now because I smell like I live in the forest. Be glad that you don't live with me, for you could be stinky too.
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| Damn I suck. |
[21 Feb 2005|12:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
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cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
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I have had the weirdest songs in my head all day |
] |
Wow -
Almost a year since writing last. I am a most hellacious slacker.
I still work a lot. I am still trying to get my damned car inspected.
I quit the Bel-Aire!! I HATED IT. Thank god I am no longer employed at that clique-fest anymore.
My room is FREEZING. My toe just fell off and shattered into a million pieces. Because its frozen. Ouch.
I was shopping online clearance tonight and realized that the stuff is much cheaper if you actually get off yr butt and go to the stores. Online shopping is cool but they're charging twice as much for clearance as at the mall.
At work, I work with all these really cute 18 and 19 year old boys. I am 23 and that's not cool. They make me feel old and dirty. But they're such cutie pants!!!
I have to do my taxes soon. I'm taking my very first real vacation ever with my refund AND I am going totally alone. I can't wait!!!
I am so cold. But my room is pristine clean right now. I even analized my closet again. I counted my tank tops and there are 70 hanging up. I have a sickness. 50 tee shirt, 25 pairs of pants, 18 pairs of jeans. Probably like 40 sweaters 15 button ups not to mention long sleeve tees and on an on and on. It's really easy to not do your laundry when you have a lot of clothes. And then your room just gets filled with stuff you wore. And yet I buy new things like 2-3 times a week.
Wow. That is seriously messed up. Not to mention I have two dressers that are crammed full. And I probably have about 25-30 coats as well. Someone needs to hit me.
I feel really materialistic after counting my clothing. If anyone needs a good deed done, I feel like I should atone or something.
TTFN,
Linlee
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| Here and There |
[30 Apr 2004|03:57am] |
Ah,
So not so much going on but the weather is warming up and springtime always makes me feel motivated.
Any suggestions on what to do with my life would be very appreciated, especially since I am feeling oh so very driven.
Loves, huggles, kisses.
Linlee
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| Fariha and I really complement each other. |
[13 Apr 2004|03:20am] |
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mood |
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 amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Nelly Furtado - It's on the FM. |
] |
First of all this was a private conversation but since Fariha posted it in her profile I figured I could too.
SlaveDolly00: my kids are gonna be hot
XS Goddess: ooh, can our kids mate?
XS Goddess: we'd have sexalicious grandkids
XS Goddess: well, you should marry a black guy and i will marry an asian guy then we'll have super beautiful grandkids
XS Goddess: nature favors diversity
SlaveDolly00: i have a japanese fetish, so i get the asian
XS Goddess: but i have the asian sounding name bitchface
SlaveDolly00: does my name sound black to u sluthead??
XS Goddess: ok, we'll each have a child by an asian
SlaveDolly00: lol...deal, and we can have a black guy just chill in the background
SlaveDolly00: for diversity and all
XS Goddess: i was thinking a black guy for height tho??
XS Goddess: there are not a lot of really tall asians (Ed. Note - Except Yao.)
Then the conversation continued.
XS Goddess: i can't believe you put that on your profile!
SlaveDolly00: lol, i love it
SlaveDolly00: :-)
XS Goddess: it really is kind of funny
XS Goddess: at least i used "sexalicious"
SlaveDolly00: hehe, exactly
XS Goddess: for all they know i'm asian, so it's ok
SlaveDolly00: true, but then u seem even more racist...because neither of us wanted the black guy, lol
XS Goddess: well i would have the black guy
SlaveDolly00: aww, now i want to find a black guy to feel better about myself
XS Goddess: i just like asians too
XS Goddess: we sound like men
XS Goddess: gay men
XS Goddess: at least we're not gold-diggers
SlaveDolly00: lol, we need to find a guy who is half black and half asian...it would solve all our problems
XS Goddess: nice icon
XS Goddess: i know a hawaiin black guy
XS Goddess: he's pretty hot
SlaveDolly00: no, we're genetic-trait diggers
XS Goddess: he already has a super cute kid
XS Goddess: well that's nature!
XS Goddess: darwin would be proud
SlaveDolly00: hehe, yes he would
XS Goddess: we will visit his grave with out grandchildren one day
XS Goddess: and say "Charles, aren't you proud?"
SlaveDolly00: lol! but we have to call him charlie
SlaveDolly00: because its cuter
SlaveDolly00: charlie darwin...yea
XS Goddess: Aww
XS Goddess: You are making me want to cut up my evolution book and frame the pages and decorate with them
XS Goddess: It would be Trading Spaces - The Gene Digger Project
XS Goddess: Let's make shirts that say Gene Digger in sparkly colors and wear them with our matching skirts
SlaveDolly00: that would be so hot!! this is making me want to watch that michael jackson video
XS Goddess: Black or White?
SlaveDolly00: yep
XS Goddess: All those people will be our grandchildren
XS Goddess: Except Michael
SlaveDolly00: lol, if michael were my grandchild he'd be hidden in the basement and severely beaten whenever im bored
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| lack of updates |
[16 Dec 2003|07:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
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mellow |
] |
i have been so busy - hence the lack of updates.
example - my schedule this week:
Sunday: 10:00 AM - 2:00 PM, Express
Monday: Holy crap it was my first day off in exactly two weeks.
Tuesday: 11:00 AM - 3:00 PM, Express / 4:30 PM - 10:00 PM (ish), Maxis
Wednesday: 10:45 AM - 5:30 PM, Maxis / 7:00 PM - 12:00 AM, Express
Thursday: 10:45 AM - 5:30 PM, Maxis / 8:00 PM - 12:00 AM, Express
Friday: 4:30 PM - 11:00 PM, Maxis
Saturday: 10:00 AM - 11:00 PM, Maxis
Not to mention that it's December and there is a ton of holiday related stuff to do (shopping, wrapping, partying).
It was my day off today. I woke up at 6:00 PM (I needed sleep), which was bad because I am still awake and have a long day tomorrow. With a long week ahead of it. I am seriously starting to wonder if I might be one of few people who could pick up a coke habit and benefit from it - knowing me, I will stick to iced mochas or those cheesy starbucks doubleshots they sell at Country Fair.
Anyway, things are pretty static in my life. I got lots of people cute Christmas presents and I am actually proceeding to catch up on my debt. Thanksgiving was a bummer, worked at the restaurant and made crappy tips. You'd think people would feel bad for someone who is serving their dinner and not being with their family on Christmas just for your sake and dig a little deeper, but obviously I waited on a bunch of cheap bastards who suck. Oh well. I have to work Christmas too. I am thinking about bringing some crutches and changing my name tag to "Tiny Tim" to see if that will work in evoking better tips. Wouldn't you tip better on a holiday like that? I missed dinner with my family to go to work and get all stressed and do tons more work than I normally would and I made crap. Total suckage.
Anyway, I'm going to try and take a nap before I have to get up.
Hope everyone is awesomely well.
Love,
Linlee
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| Halloween |
[30 Oct 2003|03:26am] |
I'm gonna be this ice queen fairy princess-esque thing except no wings. I made it myself too and it's hot. Oh how can anyone be pissed off in a fairy costume??? Well maybe some guys would be, especially if it was pink. Mine is all greys and silvers and blues and purples tho, mostly muted colors.
Fun Stuff.
What is everyone going as for halloween??
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[29 Oct 2003|04:42am] |
by the way
i ordered new bedding and a new shirt and some boots that my mom liked from delia*s.
i sho9uld be paying my bills but i have to schristmas shop right? even if most of it is for me?
besides, the shirt is audrey hepburn-esque and the bedding is super hot. I ordered this pin like brooch thing too. I hate bill collectors anyway. F them all, i need cute stuff. I'm only 22 you asswads. (directed to bill collectors.
Again, much love/lurve.
Linlee
P.S.
Excuse any spelling problems. On my ghetto computer the spell check thinger doesn't work and I don't feel like previewing. Ok? Got a problem with it? Email moi.
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[29 Oct 2003|04:35am] |
A.D.
You know yr right.
I hear my fat cats running around upstairs.
A.D.
I woke up in a super yummy mood today - no clue why.
In any case... Whatever. I'm happy with who I am. And if I feel the need I will shake it like a polaroid picture. Oh hellz yeah.
Much love all.
Linlee
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| quoi? |
[27 Oct 2003|07:35pm] |
My life is crazy. Nothing is right except that I have tons of hours at work. I'm so sick of my mediocre life but I guess I have to deal with this crap to make it better.
Sorry this is such a crappy update but it's just trying to fit in with the theme of my life.
Love,
Linlee
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| happy |
[08 Oct 2003|03:27am] |
| [ |
mood |
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cheerful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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nun |
] |
haven't had happiness in a real long time and now have a fair shot at it. keep my happiness in yr thoughts pretty please cuz linlee could really use some.
much long and sorry for the lack of updates. when i get cable modem it will be lots better.
mwah.
linlee
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